This is not a slash and burn post.
I am not telling you to identify and remove these people from your life.
Acknowledging that the following people are in your life doesn’t mean that your life is toxic or that they are bad people.
Instead consider this an exercise to give you insight into the different spirits that you contend with in different spheres of your life.
Knowing who they are is half the battle.
I have matured enough in my own personal journey to distinguish between who people are, and who I want them to be. It is the most freeing thing to know who your friends are and love them regardless.
I made full disclosure about the imaginary ones here, so they won’t be featured, but let me know if these people exist in your life.
The “I Can’t Live without Love” Friend
How many times have you wondered to yourself “Why doesn’t ……….. take a break from relationships and dating and just chill?”
You do this because this friend is always either heading into a situation or dealing with the aftermath of one. It seems like, if they are not in a relationship, they don’t feel whole. In fact, their existence and adulthood is defined by their dating status. Being single is NEVER an option because that would most certainly mean they have leprosy. They are often the biggest ‘Askholes’ in your life. Always asking for advise or counsel but never really paying it any mind, because… Love.
They will either be an over sharer or a Harry Houdini when it comes to their relationships. So you can expect long conversations about their relationships when they’re in it, or you just don’t hear from them much at all.
The “See you next year” Friend
Every Christmas or carnival season, I can expect to either rekindle or be reintroduced to some acquaintances. These are the seasonal friends. Y’all don’t have any issues or nothing, but you just don’t talk much, except when you see each other at particular times during the year.
There’s no need to take them too serious because you know that promises of “see you later” and “we’ll link” mean nada. These may also be the acquaintances who forget that you were ‘cool’ after all, but even that realization won’t change their seasonal status.
If you’re deliberate about it, you can make that seasonal thing a tradition and link with them for special events only.
The “Drama becomes me” Friend
There are levels and then there are these people. Drama seems to define their existence, one dramatic, life changing thing to another. If the boy who cried wolf had a cousin who lived two villages over and cried Coyote, this friend would be that cousin. They are either caught up in some complex people situation of their own, or are party to someone else’s ‘shituation’.
It may not help that they are really ‘troublemakers’ who may or may not be the ones to blame, more often than not. However, you don’t judge. As a friend you remain in your safe space and if it’s your thing, be entertained or just tune out.
The “You’re my Emergency Contact” Friend
Closely related, but not quite the same as the Drama-fied friend is this one – the perennial emergency contact. It would appear that this person has mentally listed you as their emergency contact for every single crisis in their life, be it serious or frivolous.
Clearly, this person has never watched Forrest Gump. Life is like a box of chocolates, not grenades. It’s simply NOT natural to jump from crisis to crisis and expect a faithful friend to contend with it all.
To be clear, emergencies happen and any good friend would be a guiding light to a loved one in need. However, when the decision to answer a phone call is preceded by heart palpitations and nervousness, there is a problem. Unfortunately, this particular friend may never consider the toll their ‘constant crises’ have on the life of the other person. They believe, incorrectly, that their ‘normal’ is ok.
The “I am your Cheerleader Forever” Friend
Many people talk about having a ride or die, how about having cheerleaders? People who are always there to just show love, especially when good things are happening in your life?
Sadly, sometimes we spend so much time contending with the other folks, these people don’t get their due. The thing is, these may not be people you speak with everyday but are people you have a genuine link with, who understand and appreciate you.
They are proud of your accomplishments and most importantly, are always willing to let you know this.
Big dem up!
The “I’m a moth give me your light” Friend
Dearly beloved, we all have a Light within us that is continuously shining, even if we don’t see it or believe that it’s there.
When that light burns brightest, is when these people literally come out of the wood work. These are your friends and acquaintances who you know from way back when. The peeps who you may’ve worked with back in the day, school mates, or those who you were once close to.
Then one day, out of nowhere they emerge, seemingly to rekindle the ‘buddy-ship’. These are the moths. They feed off your light and are attracted by happenings in your life. Mind you, new people are also attracted to you in this way, but the main difference is, you are more likely to suss out a new people trying to get close to you.
Someone who’s always been there, get’s less scrutiny. Funny thing is simple occurences can cause this re-emergence of a moth person.
A simple thing as a new social media image, a career move that’s made public or (gasp) a new relationship can get them at your feet.
The “User” Friend
I’m sure you’ve seen this one on numerous lists of people that you should stay away from. The reality though, is that none of us are immune to being used and taken advantage of, especially by people we consider friends.
The factor that makes us a winner or loser is reciprocity. It’s the degree of reciprocity that makes great relationships work, and bad ones toxic. Reciprocity doesn’t have to be acknowledged. However knowing that you can do something for a friend, knowing that it would be no consequence for them to do same or greater, if necessary, makes a huge difference.
That said, there are some people we may have within and around our ‘circles’ who are NOT about that reciprocity life. They are takers through and through and will use the cloak of ‘friendship’ to milk you dry.
Their behaviour is so pervasive that they are unable to differentiate between friend and conquest. Your kindness, to them may be a weakness. More dangerous are the ones who have been so spoilt by life, that they are unaware that they are using you up.
Reality Check
You may have elements of all of these ‘people’ embodied in one person you know. God Bless them.
Figuring out the energy that’s best for you is a wholly personal experience and something that we all may need to do at some point to check ourselves.
I learn new things about my friends and acquaintances everyday because the reality is, people make the world go round.
No matter how much of an introvert or misanthrope you think you are, we need people.
All that said, know your people and love them anyway.
Sidenote – I didn’t mention the ‘negative friend’ because, I assume by now that we would rid ourselves of people who deal solely in bad vibes.
Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!
Kevin
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