Reading the tea leaves of changing relationships

Let’s face it, our relationships with other people constantly go through changes.

Our lives are an ocean of unknowns and with each passing day, waves of opportunities, triumphs and failures wash over us. Through our relationships we are compelled to weather any storm and find safe harbour as needed. However there are times when the relationships we build are tested by undercurrents of change and strife or just, gravity.

If the changing tides of relationships are not quite as apparent as you would want, here are some of the signs to look for that may indicate what is afoot or has already happened.

You may consider these red flags, warning signs or simply clear indicators that your deep suspicion is now true and it’s either over, or has change indelibly.

Here in no particular order are some possible things to look for.

Communication decreases

This may seem obvious but not in the way you might think. The key differentiator however is a decrease in meaningful and deliberate communication which otherwise would’ve been a normal occurrence. The pandemic has changed the way many of us have chosen to communicate and engage with those in our lives. This may mean that you are a bit more sensitive about who and how you communicate. Therefore, it should become palpable fairly easily when communication has truly changed.

Invites dry up

Over time you may also realize that you are no longer granted invitations to activities that once were seemingly a consistent part of your life. Exclusion may seem more drastic and an overt way to signal that ‘you’re not one of us’ but again, it can also be explained away as reasonable. After all, no one is attached by the hips to another person unless they are conjoined and people do have other relationships. Regardless when the invites become few and far between, clinically specific and relegated to certain activities or just don’t happen at all, you can be certain that you’ve turned a page.

Connecting feels awkward

When you do connect, after wading through all of the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” you realize that there is an empty awkwardness that exists where easy friendship once resided. Sadly, there are many people who may not know how to give voice to this because, so many of us have been taught not to proactively interrogate the ‘why’ of some of our relationships.

They have changed

We have been led to believe that we have the right to ‘outgrow others’ and we do, but sometimes, it may not be us who are doing the growing but the other person. Doesn’t make you a bad person, just means that the currents of your lives are moving in different directions and what used to fit, no longer does, for them at least.

You have changed

And sometimes the problem is you. The big blind spot that is our own role in the enrichment or demise of our personal relationships are often understated or simply ignored. Whether you are on a journey of self-discovered/improvement/actualization or destruction, these phases can generate fractures in existing relationships. They may also cause your own needs from or for these relationships to shift. Be real about where you are and how you fit in your relationships.

You finally identify the category

It is truly freeing when you are in sync with the intentions and motives of those in your life, but there can be those weird moments you are awakened to the category that your relationship with someone else falls.

These awakenings are often times unspoken but become very clear through actions and supersede everything else shared here. Consider it therefore just a realization, that the ‘category’ that you have placed people in may not be the same as they have, therefore the expectations of reciprocity, are going to be underwhelming and in all likelihood painfully obvious.

While categories may change, sometimes we live within the illusion of where we were from the get go until of course, time reveals it all.

Closing thought

In all of this we must also be clear that not everybody in our lives are meant to fulfil the same roles, all at the same time. In fact these functions can evolve and devolve. So someone who you would’ve probably had as your maid of honour one year could be just a bridesmaid the next. And that is ok! In fact, those two people may never ever be the same person.

Living is complicated, life can be hard therefore, enjoy the relationships you have, set your boundaries and do what is ultimately best for you. It is up to us to protect ourselves and ensure that we are treated the way we deserve.

Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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Kevin