Letting Go of the Need to Know

It has taken me a long time to learn an important lesson about life and relationships. It is the fact that I do not need to understand or ‘figure out’ why people treat me a certain way.

I know there’s a popular saying that goes “it’s none of my business what other people think of me,” but I’ve come to realize the value in getting rid of not just the need to know, but the why behind it all.

There is so much to gain from not having the need to know why people treat you a certain way, especially when it is negative.

For example, I remember a time when a relationship I was in ended. I was in a lot of pain as I attempted to process everything about the situation. More stressful however, were my attempts to try and figure out why the other person did what they did to hurt me and how they felt about me.

I became a slave to my ‘need’ for this knowledge, holding it like a warm coal to keep me going, or so I thought. But what I was really doing was placing a burden on myself by trying to discover something that could neither help me nor change what had already happened.

Can you imagine thinking that knowing why someone ‘broke your heart’ would free you? Yes, it took me a minute.

Another instance was when a long time ‘friend’ slowly drifted away. They stopped communicating with me, acted like I was the one who made the 180 degree move and went silent, when all I did was follow their lead.

For years I racked my brain trying figure out what changed? What did I do? What expectation did I not live up to?

I was hurt.

It gets Better

In both situations I was at the mercy of this supposed obligation on my part. Trying to figure out people’s motivation, like a private eye and lawyers piecing together a murder mystery to ascertain motive. But all that was burdensome and simply made me sad.

So over time I realized that it was fruitless and counterproductive.

Knowing would not help me anyway and was needlessly tying me to people who really couldn’t care less about me.

The decision therefore was for me to let go and free myself from this need.

Almost instantly I realized the freedom there was, in not having to know why a person treated me a certain way.

After having a quiet conversation with my ego I also acknowledged that rejection in any form is painful, but it’s also complete, no follow up answer necessary.

I didn’t need an explanation of the other person’s ‘why’ to move on with my life. In fact, the sooner I let go of that notion, the quicker my freedom will come. Sure, the questions may linger at the back of my mind, but I refuse to be burdened by the need to know.

Many of us fall into the trap when mourning relationships of trying to figure out the ‘why’ of it all – “why did this person choose to push me aside why does this person treat me a certain way?”

But this gets us nowhere because it doesn’t change the reality of the rejection and it doesn’t free us from the memory of that hurt. So then what?

It’s simply not wise to belabour the point.

 Much Better

The other side of this coin has made my life so much more glorious!

Listen, when people choose to walk away, I don’t even ask two times why and I refuse to worry about it.

I’m good. Do you boo!

If excommunicating me from your life is a positive life decision for you, I don’t need to be told twice. *peace*

In the same vein, if people treat me a certain way, I am not trying to be their therapist. If it is too much for me to handle, then I’ll handle accordingly. Life’s too short trying to always question why people make certain uncomfortable decisions.

I recognised just how powerful this stance is when I had to caution my closest friend on many occasions. She was always trying to figure out the thinking behind her tormentor’s motivations.

“How could they think and behave the way they do?”

I was always there to reminder her: “That’s not your concern and should not get in the way of your healing and progress, so keep it moving.”

This was not her battle nor was it beneficial to her, attempting to know that. We live, we learn.

Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

Kevin

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